Store Review: Metro Thrift Store

Your local St. Pete Bitch is gettin' kicked out of her parents' condo and onto the ghetto-ish streets of Central Ave.

Just kidding (obviously) I'm looking into all the fine condos, apartments, and houses Craigslist has to offer!


But for now I need to furnish the damn place first (once I get it). So, since I'm broke why not start at a thrift shop? Metro Thrift Store is located on 2235 Central Ave (google maps)

The first item that caught my attention was this weird Frankenstein dude (Yes, I got a little side-tracked...):

And yes of course I asked how much it was! It took the store clerk a second to realize I was talking about the mannequin outside and not just in general asking how much Frankensteins are...

....but once his senses came to him, he informed me that the frankenstein was in fact not for sale...

"Ah, okay....thanks for getting my hopes up...."

....Ambiance

This place wasn't exactly bad-looking for a thrift shop. It didn't smell that bad either! And you know what smell I'm talking about...don't lie. 

Save for the harsh-ass lighting (but c'mon what stores don't have that jewelry store-style lighting nowadays...), browsing around this store was a pleasant experience....

And look at all the cheap junk I found!!!

This partially-dented, junked up box for holding more junked up things was only $1.50!

And get this--for the same price I found this (kinda) pretty portrait:

The only real bummer was eyeing this awesome full length mirror across the store only to realize it wasn't for sale...boo!

....Verdict

Not a huge selection of merchandise, but that's okay! I'm headed back there for that flower portrait and some other cheap knick-knacks for cluttering up my new place!

Cheers!

Restaurant Review: The Lure

….Service

The first time I went to this place I stood at the waitress podium waiting to be seated for about 3 minutes and no one came! It's not like they were busy either—the employees were just standing around talking. So, I left in a huff and burned my mouth eating pizza from across the street (I'll review that place later).

But I decided to give the The Lure another chance—only because I had a 25% off gift card. Seriously, that was the only reason.

So I went in and sat myself this time at the bar. As I was sitting there I noticed some people who walked in and waited at the podium (is it even called that…?) for like 30 seconds before being seated.

Pretty sure this was the face I made:

Well, eventually the bartender noticed me (after the waitress I pulled aside went and got her attention) and the service was fine from there on out. 

….Ambiance

They played songs like "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John if that tells you anything. If not, then I'll spell it out. It's like the ideal place for a hipster in their late 20s or early 30s. Chill music, laid-back (too laid-back?) staff, and they don't air-condition the hell out of this place. Ladies you just might be able to leave your sweaters at home. 

….Food

Sushi lovers, you all are going to lose your shit over this—

—here's the $7 dragon roll I was served: 

It tasted as amazing as it looks

Jealous, I know. I'm even jealous of past me. FYI every Wednesday they have 1/2 off wine, tiki drinks, and $7 dragon rolls. 

Here's the $6 Sundance Kid tiki drink I ordered:

Siesta Key White Rum, Old St. Pete
Coconut Rum, pineapple juice, orange juice,
Angostura Bitters

Of course, I had to order miso soup ($3.50) as well: 

….Verdict

All that food you see pictured above? It only cost me $13.25 because of it being happy hour (5-7pm, people), the fact that I ordered off the specials menu, and my discount card. 

Lovely readers maybe you will be noticed more quickly than me or maybe you'll have to plop your ass down at a table yourself. It's hard to resist sushi—albeit cheap sushi. 

Comment here with your experiences at The Lure! I really want to know if that long wait was just a me thing.

Restaurant Review: Seasons Cafe and Bakery

After spending a long Thursday Facebooking at work, I met up with my adult friend at this strip mall restaurant.

Oh, but not after being held up for about three minutes by this congested nostril of a traffic jam….

Jerks who slowed me down by three
minutes

All of that left me as hungry and devoid of life as my mother trucking through Day 2 of her nutri-system diet. Since this hunger reduced me to my primal, neanderthal roots of merely wanting food and not caring if it was goddamn poop-on-a-stick, I had Adult Friend order for us.

Here were the results.

….Food

Egg sandwich with a side of egg

Fried Rice with Chicken (and a piddle of red something on the right)

Kiwi/strawberry shaved ice

Let's just say I have a binary system when it comes to eating food when I'm this deliriously hungry: it's either mind-blowingly amazing or just eh. 

In this case, it was the first—but with a special slap on the ass and pervy wink to the kiwi/strawberry shaved ice. Who knew artificially-flavored ice with fruit from a can thrown on top could taste better than ice cream?

….Service

So, the egg sandwich was delivered to Adult Friend and me quick as hell. 

But, for some reason, Seasons Cafe tried turning this into a three-course meal and delivered the fried rice and shaved ice (ha, that rhymed) each about 15 minutes apart. Like how the heck a handful of frost with about four pieces of fruit on it takes that long to make? 

I don't know, man—the jury's still out on that one.

….Put bluntly

Okay the food was great, the cutesy trees painted on the wall were charming, but that wait time. It was 6:30 pm on a weeknight, but come on people—pick up the pace!

Seasons, I wanted to like you, but you made it difficult—alright? Faithful readers, I hope you have a speedier visit or hey maybe just order carry-out? I think Seasons may need to have someone go in and whip some towels around. 

Ice Cream Shop Review: Twistee Treat

Alright, so I've lived in St. Petersburg a little over a month, and I've been to Twistee Treat….ohhhh about 8 or 12 times. And this averages to about 2 or 3 walks of shame per week to this comically large ice cream cone nestled in between a fish bait store and a tattoo parlor. By the way, I'm pretty sure passengers flying into the Tampa airport can see this ice cream cone outside their cabin window. 

….Ambiance

Swing by this place at around noon right when they open, and it'll be as vacant as your local Blockbuster. But heck, come here at around 6pm and this place will be more poppin' than most of the smelly, old bars along Gulfport.  

"And it'll stay that way until the time we close at 11pm," says Summer, a Twistee Treat employee. 

"I think it has to do with the beach. People spend their whole day at the beach, and afterwards they're thinking 'Man, I want some ice cream.'," she explains as she hands me my usual fat ass portion of chocolate ice cream with brownie bits. 

It looks nasty, but I swear it's not

If you want to avoid the rush, Summer suggests coming before 3pm to avoid all the kids coming home from school. 

….Service

At night expect to wait about 5-8 minutes in line while standing behind all the white-haired old couples staying up past their bedtime, polo-wearing dads who decided to bring all their children for "family night", and women about my age hanging onto their boyfriends' shoulders like really heavy tote bags. 

 Summer was a pretty cool chick, but this other dude who works the night shift seems about as outgoing and lively as a pile of rocks. He should smile more and take Peter Griffin's advice: "Cheer up! Life ain't that bad!!!" 

….Ice Cream

Well, I recommend my signature $5.13 typhoon chocolate ice cream and brownie, but in case you're a butthole and don't like chocolate, here are menus I've creepily taken pictures of while bystanders stared at me in a what-the-fuck-is-she-doing kind of way. 

….Put Bluntly

This place has some interesting features to it, and I'll explain. 

I give you…. exhibit A:

Obnoxious lighting shining onto
ice cream cone like it's being
interrogated

Why on earth are there streetlights shining an absurd light onto customers like we're at a football stadium? Seriously, it's as lit up as a Kay Jewelers in the mall. 

Exhibit B:

Okay, okay! I get it! Every ice cream place has a tip jar, but could you not take a shit on my heart for not tipping? So far, this means I've killed about 12 unicorns and the death toll is continuing to climb. 

Last but not least:

$15.95 for a shirt that says Twistee Treat?! First of all, who will buy that? Second, it shouldn't cost about half of my weekly grocery bill. And I suppose if I don't buy one, what? Will the hundred acre woods will burn down? 

But hey this is my local, charming (and slightly strange) ice cream stand. And even if it leads to a unicorn bloodbath, everyone who lives on St. Pete beach should come get a taste of Twistee Treat!

Restaurant Review: Kings Street Food Counter

Well, ladies and gentlemen of St. Petersburg, it has finally happened—

Your bitchy, narcissistic blogger finally made a new adult friend! In fact, she was so impressed and captivated by me that she took us out to Kings Street Food Counter last Tuesday. 

The restaurant we graced with our presence last week

We planned for Tuesday night to take advantage of their buy one, get one free deal which comes with two free sides. 

Now after being spoiled by this deal, I only want to eat here on Tuesdays. Hopefully, this Take 2 Tuesdays doesn't end up backfiring on the restaurant owners. 

Your typical overly enthusiastic
restaurant mascot

….Ambiance

This place has that 1950s heyday diner vibe. It was only missing the technicolored jukebox playing rhythm and blues in the background. Instead it slightly clashed with some employee's Pandora classic rock station. There is a certain time and place for Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, but I digress. 

People doing an excellent job of being customers

I think it's safe to wear whatever the hell you want here as long as you are, in fact, wearing something. I don't think anyone there would have bat an eye if I strolled in with my electric blue cookie monster shirt with a big ol' bleach stain on the collar.

Oh, there's a bar and outdoor seating, too! 

I'm not quite sure why they have turf grass, though. I suppose if some loud-mouthed kid who is severely lacking in fine motor skills lands on his face, Kings won't have a lawsuit on their hands.

….Service

Our waitress was sufficiently nice and attentive. Also, she did a fine job of not making me feel too stupid after I tried handing her my menu which was meant to stay at the table. Even when I did it a second time. Good on her!

….Food

I ordered the "batter up" hot dog and tomato bisque soup (bottom). While Adult Friend ordered a chili cheese hot dog and funnel cake fries (top). We clearly don't give two shits about our health, but it was worth it. All of this only costed $8. I even felt a little guilty about it because if we ordered something similar to this at…oh I don't know…Chili's it would have been about $25 or something. 

….Put Bluntly

I feel guilty saying this but I don't think I will be able to eat here any day of the week besides Tuesday. I mean I will feel totally cheated if my second hot dog ain't free. This place turned me into a freeloader.

The service was quick, the A/C didn't freeze my ass off, and they played a lot of the classics. It's safe to say I'm going to be a regular Take Two Tuesday customer.

Kava Bar Review #1: Bula Kafe

If you're originally from one of the midwestern states or you're a Florida resident who doesn't get out too much, then you may be completely unaware of what kava (or kratom) is.

Real quick:

• Kava is a drink made from a pepper. When consumed, it can give a relaxing effect (think xanax). 
• Kratom is also a drink, but it's made from a plant in the coffee family. Similar to some opiates, its effects are energizing and euphoric.
• Both have a bland, earthy taste.
• Both are legal.
• The word "bula" is Fijian for "life". 
• Florida has the most Kava bars out of all states in the United States—most of them being in Miami and St. Petersburg.

I've gone to Bula Kafe quite a few times since moving to St. Pete so I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about as I review this place. Not that my other reviews were a bunch of fluff…but I didn't just stick my head inside this place for 5 minutes and leave. Ohhh no, quite the opposite actually! This tiny bite of consumable products in the business world was so foreign and so novel to me that I needed to examine it thoroughly so it could be understood.

I basically became Bula Kafe's psychotic ex-girlfriend and stalked the hell out of it for the past week.

If one looks closely they will see that this panorama is totally f***ed up

….Decoration and Ambiance

Wanna know the quickest way to get to know someone? 

Go through all their stuff.

And this is more or less what I did the last time I paid Bula Kafe a visit….

Imagine an oversized-tiki bar with pub-styled bar stools, Hawaiian themed decor, and lounge furniture and you'll have the kratom/kava serving area of Bula Kafe. Now I'm not sure what it is with obscure Florida businesses and christmas lights, but this place is no different. Dutifully, there are four different sets of Christmas lights strung along this bar—one of which is dead and needs replaced.

The air feels heavy and humid so expect to become sweaty and unattractive after coming here. There are fans that make patrons think that it could be much, much worse but honestly they just make a stupid amount of noise. Admittedly, they do a great job of drowning out the sounds of cars and police sirens blaring down 5th ave.

The mood amongst the bartenders and patrons is lax, easygoing, and (at times) borderline uncaring. This seems to be the gathering place for people from all walks of life who have a little time to kill so feel free to strike up a conversation with anyone. Really.

….Service

Unless you're a cute girl and the bartender is a dude (or vice versa) expect to have your patience tested here—that is, unless you flag one of them down. I would recommend waving your arms around like a buffoon to get served quicker. It worked for me.

Oh, and you may get called "hun" and "babe" quite a bit no matter what gender you are. Don't read too much into it.

 
….Kratom

Each time I've ordered red kratom which is supposed to be relaxing. Out of the four times, I'm pretty sure it only worked once on me. Not sure if it's because you're not supposed to guzzle the whole thing at once or what, but I noticed I became a lot more mellow the one time I didn't inhale it.
I'll need to try it again and see!

….Put bluntly

I've come here four times in one week—it should be obvious I adore this place! But I shall be reviewing the rest of the kava bars in St. Petersburg to see if any of the others has this one beat.

Stay tuned.

….More pictures!

Outdoor patio

Table figurines I spent an
embarrassing amount of time
playing with

A really embarrassing amount of time

Restaurant Review: La Cote Basque Winehouse

Late evening on a Tuesday, my mom and I treated ourselves to an elegant French restaurant located at 31st Ave South and South Beach Blvd.

Remember me mentioning a restaurant that you wouldn't want to take a first date to?

It's because you should totally take her here instead! This place will knock those Chanel aviators right off her mascara-clumped eyes. However, at $20 per meal you may want to make sure she is someone you are really trying to impress.

….Ambiance

This place is the epitome of sophistication. Even while wearing the best dress in my closet, I still felt like my presence was somehow smudging this restaurant's serene appearance.

I mean, look at this place!!!

I would not recommend showing up to this place in your "Turn Down for What?" t-shirts or any of your OBEY apparel—not that anyone in their right mind would. This restaurant was adorned with stained-glass lamps, crystal chandeliers, hand-painted murals of people dressed like Jane and Jane's dad from Tarzan, and lit up in such a way that it always appeared to be midnight. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought my mom was trying to seduce me by taking me there.

….Service

Our waiter's politeness matched the restaurant's elegance. His upstanding-citizen demeanor made him seem like someone who never cheated on their taxes and always returned their library books back on time. 

And when my mom asked him about the bread they served, he didn't just say it was rye or pumpernickel. Instead, he said it was their "specialty house bread brushed with honey and lightly coated with sugar to caramelize the seeds" or something like that. It was a response so quick, so polished that I didn't even register it as possible code for "M'am, I haven't a clue" until a few days later as I type this out.

….Food

My mom and I both ordered the same dish: Flounder Francese. The fish itself was a bit bland, but what made it tasty was the tangy, lemon-flavored sauced drizzled on top. 

Our entrees were served long before our forced, pretending-to-be-interested conversation turned into "Now where the f*** is my food?!" So, basically it arrived about ten minutes after placing our order.

….Put Bluntly

It was a bit too dark. My eyes felt strained while I was there.

Another thing—and this is a very small detail—is the bathroom. It was downright creepy. As I walked down the hall to the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice the restaurant transition from romantic-looking into looking like it could have been the hotel from The Shining.

With the exception of those two minor details, I would definitely eat here again. However, since it is on the pricey side, I'd recommend checking out any deals they might have on Groupon before coming.